I am seeking something. Something that fulfills me. My Holy Grail. My lost temple of mysterious wonders. I am ready.
For most of my life my soul has been divided. Korean/American, now replanted in to the South. Who am I? What is it that defines me? Christian by learning with Buddhist thrown in from birth. How do I choose a path to follow? If I go one way can I ever come back? Where is the road that takes me to all that I desire? Am I brave enough to cut my own path? I think so, with help.
Most of my life has been influenced by those around me. My biggest inspiration has been Mom. Creative, expressive, encouraging, motivating. She is one of my rocks. I love her dearly. I always will. I want to honor her in this life. She has taught me what unconditional love truly means. Thank you Mom.
I'm feeling better. That helps tremendously for I am preparing for battle. Years of fear, indifference, cynicism, anger, regret. They follow me where ever I go. Sometimes it's scary, the thought of leaving behind these traveling mates that have been with me for so very long. Hopefully they will not have the stamina to keep up with me on this new journey. I hope to leave them far behind to munch on the dust of my progress. But I will not forget them. They have helped make me. All things in this life have added to the stew that is me.
Faith has always been a difficult topic for me. I am a stout believer of free will. It's hard for me to truly believe in that which cannot be touched. I cannot deny the great things I have seen in my lifetime. Some quite horrible and others awe inspiring. Like most of the rest of me I find comfort in a mix of beliefs. Concepts that are mutual between Christianity and Buddhism. I try not to pick out just the parts I like. Faith is not quite like a meal where you can scoot things off to one side or hide it in your napkin when no one is looking. I need more input! I must have more data! How can I be expected to make a eternity affecting decision without knowing...more. I will.
Love. I will love more. I will put love in to the things I do. I will finish things. I will finish things for those I love. For I am on a mission.
Passion. Fill my world with passion. The fire within me is lit and and am pouring kerosene on this bad boy. Burn baby, burn and consume all those around me. Let them share in the warmth of my passion. For I am on a mission.
Hope. Hello old friend. I have not seen you in a very long time. It's been so long I've forgotten the way you make me smile. Come with me old friend. For I am on a mission.
Freedom. I will run when I can, walk when I cannot and fly with the dreams of what tomorrow will bring. I shed the shackles but keep them. I will not forget where I have been. For I am on a mission.
Live. I will do. I will feel. I will be. I have chosen to live my life. For I am on a mission.
For those that know me, I love you. For those that don't, I'd probably love you too in time. I have put a lot on my plate. No leaving the table until it's all gone. It's ok, I can do it, with help. No where in the rules says you can't share. So come with me. I'm not THAT bad of a driver. Sure I like to make a lot of unnecessary stops. Who knows where we're going half the time (that includes me). It's ok to be scared. God knows I am. So come on, what's stopping you?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
on the aftermath...
So there I was, standing on the back porch. Shivering from the frigid wind blowing through all 4 layers of shirt, scrub top, fleece pull over and jacket. From somewhere in the sky I hear an odd noise. As I look out in to the yard I see birds fluttering madly in all directions. One, obviously disoriented, flew right back in to the chain link fence and proceeded to burst in to a morbid cartoonish puff of feathers.
Not having my glasses on it took a lot of squinting to identify the hawk that was now perched on the fence. It hopped back and forth along then length then plopped down to the ground. It, unlike me, was not deterred by the cold. Screw this. I didn't have my glasses on anyways.
So today I ventured out in to the yard to see if there was any evidence of yesterdays grand display of mother nature. I took some pictures and emailed them to Mom.
Horribly I thought, maybe it was just an English sparrow. Sad in a way that one piece of nature would hold a lesser value that another. Then I felt bad for a minute and took another picture.
Hmmm, maybe the red ones were from the hawk. That makes sense to me. Then...there was this...
A little later that afternoon Mom answered back my email. Cardinal. Her knowledge of birds is astounding. Her ability to identify a bird by what little of it's grizzly remains seen here is...disturbing? HA HA, just kidding Mom. You're a wealth of knowledge and wisdom :) Love you.
So, the moral of the story? I know Mom had posted her thank you to Mr. Disney a while back. It made me think soft thoughts to myself on how the world really is. Then, for the first time in a very long time, I noticed that I was not bawling uncontrollably at the sight of this massacre. The last remains of the pretty bird did not leave me in a pile of sobs and snot. Maybe the vitamins are working. I have been feeling...better? Not as bad? Different. It's a vaguely familiar feeling. I think maybe, that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. Maybe that's where I'm suppose to be. So onward we go. I hope to see you on the other side.
>^. .^<
Not having my glasses on it took a lot of squinting to identify the hawk that was now perched on the fence. It hopped back and forth along then length then plopped down to the ground. It, unlike me, was not deterred by the cold. Screw this. I didn't have my glasses on anyways.
So today I ventured out in to the yard to see if there was any evidence of yesterdays grand display of mother nature. I took some pictures and emailed them to Mom.
Horribly I thought, maybe it was just an English sparrow. Sad in a way that one piece of nature would hold a lesser value that another. Then I felt bad for a minute and took another picture.
Hmmm, maybe the red ones were from the hawk. That makes sense to me. Then...there was this...
A little later that afternoon Mom answered back my email. Cardinal. Her knowledge of birds is astounding. Her ability to identify a bird by what little of it's grizzly remains seen here is...disturbing? HA HA, just kidding Mom. You're a wealth of knowledge and wisdom :) Love you.
So, the moral of the story? I know Mom had posted her thank you to Mr. Disney a while back. It made me think soft thoughts to myself on how the world really is. Then, for the first time in a very long time, I noticed that I was not bawling uncontrollably at the sight of this massacre. The last remains of the pretty bird did not leave me in a pile of sobs and snot. Maybe the vitamins are working. I have been feeling...better? Not as bad? Different. It's a vaguely familiar feeling. I think maybe, that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. Maybe that's where I'm suppose to be. So onward we go. I hope to see you on the other side.
>^. .^<
Thursday, January 6, 2011
on the advantages of being an adult...part 2
Gadgets.
Somewhere back when I was but a wee lass I developed a need to find things that made doing other things easier. Ok may I was very wee or not quite a lass but deep inside me I knew there had to be something out there that made whatever I was doing easier (aside from getting someone else to do it for you that is, though sometimes it takes far more effort to get them to do it than the task itself).
After spending the last 4 months or so researching phone reviews and estimating total costs for phone, data packages and any other doo dads required to use, maintain and enjoy a new cell phone I settled on the Droid X.
(Cue the bright light and choir.........)
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost as much as a basket full of kittens, or yarn, or a bucket of pistachio ice cream. App this app that app app app app to my hearts content. There are probably apps out there I had not even begun to conceive the need for. So since I can put a picture of a basket of kittens on there and browse endless supplies of yarn and even sort my craft projects it can't replace a bucket of pistachio ice cream. Maybe a cone of it, or that little sample spoon some places will give you.
Somewhere back when I was but a wee lass I developed a need to find things that made doing other things easier. Ok may I was very wee or not quite a lass but deep inside me I knew there had to be something out there that made whatever I was doing easier (aside from getting someone else to do it for you that is, though sometimes it takes far more effort to get them to do it than the task itself).
After spending the last 4 months or so researching phone reviews and estimating total costs for phone, data packages and any other doo dads required to use, maintain and enjoy a new cell phone I settled on the Droid X.
(Cue the bright light and choir.........)
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost as much as a basket full of kittens, or yarn, or a bucket of pistachio ice cream. App this app that app app app app to my hearts content. There are probably apps out there I had not even begun to conceive the need for. So since I can put a picture of a basket of kittens on there and browse endless supplies of yarn and even sort my craft projects it can't replace a bucket of pistachio ice cream. Maybe a cone of it, or that little sample spoon some places will give you.
The only bad thing so far is my work schedule is seriously interfering with my ability to master this new piece of technology. How can I ever be expected to find everything I need to make my every day tasks easier when I'm expected to show up on time and do things for other people?!?! I am only human. Sure I can do several things at once. Some of them very well actually, but those are things I LOVE.
So on that I bid adieu before I get all worked up about work. I've got to finish figuring out how to get clip art on my phone and upload it to this thing. Muwahahahahaha!
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