on a mission...

I am seeking something.  Something that fulfills me.  My Holy Grail.  My lost temple of mysterious wonders.  I am ready.

For most of my life my soul has been divided.  Korean/American, now replanted in to the South.  Who am I?  What is it that defines me?  Christian by learning with Buddhist thrown in from birth.  How do I choose a path to follow?  If I go one way can I ever come back?  Where is the road that takes me to all that I desire?  Am I brave enough to cut my own path? I think so, with help.

Most of my life has been influenced by those around me.  My biggest inspiration has been Mom.  Creative, expressive, encouraging, motivating.  She is one of my rocks.  I love her dearly.  I always will.  I want to honor her in this life.  She has taught me what unconditional love truly means.  Thank you Mom.

I'm feeling better.  That helps tremendously for I am preparing for battle.  Years of fear, indifference, cynicism, anger, regret.  They follow me where ever I go.  Sometimes it's scary, the thought of leaving behind these traveling mates that have been with me for so very long.  Hopefully they will not have the stamina to keep up with me on this new journey.  I hope to leave them far behind to munch on the dust of my progress.  But I will not forget them.  They have helped make me.  All things in this life have added to the stew that is me.

Faith has always been a difficult topic for me.  I am a stout believer of free will.  It's hard for me to truly believe in that which cannot be touched.  I cannot deny the great things I have seen in my lifetime.  Some quite horrible and others awe inspiring.  Like most of the rest of me I find comfort in a mix of beliefs.  Concepts that are mutual between Christianity and Buddhism.  I try not to pick out just the parts I like.  Faith is not quite like a meal where you can scoot things off to one side or hide it in your napkin when no one is looking.  I need more input!  I must have more data!  How can I be expected to make a eternity affecting decision without knowing...more.  I will.

Love.  I will love more.  I will put love in to the things I do.  I will finish things.  I will finish things for those I love.  For I am on a mission.

Passion.  Fill my world with passion.  The fire within me is lit and and am pouring kerosene on this bad boy.  Burn baby, burn and consume all those around me.  Let them share in the warmth of my passion.  For I am on a mission.

Hope.  Hello old friend.  I have not seen you in a very long time.  It's been so long I've forgotten the way you make me smile.  Come with me old friend.  For I am on a mission.

Freedom.  I will run when I can, walk when I cannot and fly with the dreams of what tomorrow will bring.  I shed the shackles but keep them.  I will not forget where I have been.  For I am on a mission.

Live.  I will do.  I will feel.  I will be.  I have chosen to live my life.  For I am on a mission.

For those that know me, I love you.  For those that don't, I'd probably love you too in time.  I have put a lot on my plate.  No leaving the table until it's all gone.  It's ok, I can do it, with help.  No where in the rules says you can't share.  So come with me.  I'm not THAT bad of a driver.  Sure I like to make a lot of unnecessary stops.  Who knows where we're going half the time (that includes me).  It's ok to be scared.  God knows I am.  So come on, what's stopping you?

on the aftermath...

So there I was, standing on the back porch.  Shivering from the frigid wind blowing through all 4 layers of shirt, scrub top, fleece pull over and jacket.  From somewhere in the sky I hear an odd noise.  As I look out in to the yard I see birds fluttering madly in all directions.  One, obviously disoriented, flew right back in to the chain link fence and proceeded to burst in to a  morbid cartoonish puff of feathers.

Not having my glasses on it took a lot of squinting to identify the hawk that was now perched on the fence.  It hopped back and forth along then length then plopped down to the ground.  It, unlike me, was not deterred by the cold.  Screw this.  I didn't have my glasses on anyways.

So today I ventured out in to the yard to see if there was any evidence of yesterdays grand display of mother nature.  I took some pictures and emailed them to Mom.

Horribly I thought, maybe it was just an English sparrow.  Sad in a way that one piece of nature would hold a lesser value that another.  Then I felt bad for a minute and took another picture.

Hmmm, maybe the red ones were from the hawk.  That makes sense to me.  Then...there was this...

A little later that afternoon Mom answered back my email.  Cardinal.  Her knowledge of birds is astounding.  Her ability to identify a bird by what little of it's grizzly remains seen here is...disturbing?  HA HA, just kidding Mom.  You're a wealth of knowledge and wisdom :)  Love you.

So, the moral of the story?  I know Mom had posted her thank you to Mr. Disney a while back.  It made me think soft thoughts to myself on how the world really is.  Then, for the first time in a very long time, I noticed that I was not bawling uncontrollably at the sight of this massacre.  The last remains of the pretty bird did not leave me in a pile of sobs and snot.  Maybe the vitamins are working.  I have been feeling...better?  Not as bad?  Different.  It's a vaguely familiar feeling.  I think maybe, that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.  Maybe that's where I'm suppose to be.  So onward we go.  I hope to see you on the other side.
>^. .^<

on the advantages of being an adult...part 2

Gadgets.

Somewhere back when I was but a wee lass I developed a need to find things that made doing other things easier.  Ok may I was very wee or not quite a lass but deep inside me I knew there had to be something out there that made whatever I was doing easier (aside from getting someone else to do it for you that is, though sometimes it takes far more effort to get them to do it than the task itself).

After spending the last 4 months or so researching phone reviews and estimating total costs for phone, data packages and any other doo dads required to use, maintain and enjoy a new cell phone I settled on the Droid X.

(Cue the bright light and choir.........)

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!  Almost as much as a basket full of kittens, or yarn, or a bucket of pistachio ice cream.  App this app that app app app app to my hearts content.  There are probably apps out there I had not even begun to conceive the need for.  So since I can put a picture of a basket of kittens on there and browse endless supplies of yarn and even sort my craft projects it can't replace a bucket of pistachio ice cream.  Maybe a cone of it, or that little sample spoon some places will give you.

The only bad thing so far is my work schedule is seriously interfering with my ability to master this new piece of technology.  How can I ever be expected to find everything I need to make my every day tasks easier when I'm expected to show up on time and do things for other people?!?!  I am only human.  Sure I can do several things at once.  Some of them very well actually, but those are things I LOVE.

So on that I bid adieu before I get all worked up about work.  I've got to finish figuring out how to get clip art on my phone and upload it to this thing.  Muwahahahahaha!

on this friggin' cold!

Every emergency supply kit should contain these two items.  And something to heat water in and with, so now we're at four items.  Oh, and something to mix it in.  Hmmmm, getting a little crowded.  I guess ALL those twinkies aren't necessary.  HA Bumhug.  If you drink enough of 'em to keep warm I don't think the rest matters.

On a more serious note, I'm fairly certain I am not descended from Eskimos, or Vikings, or penguins.  I will never pick a fight with a girl that grew up in Montana, or Iowa, or any of those states they show where all you see is the antenna of the car poking out of the snow.  I will forever be thankful for central heating.  I will not complain about how frockingly ridiculously cold it is when I am starting my car (at least it started).  At stop signs, I will always come to a complete stop...eventually.  Aaaaannnnd so on and so forth.

So it snowed!  Much to hubby's observation of this I felt it absolutely necessary to run around the house first peeking out the front door then checking out the back door and squealing at a very unreasonable pitch "SNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHW!"  As the temperature failed to rise I was the only one maintaining the level of enthusiasm required for these situations.  I think the poor dog thought she was being punished since the high pitched noises were similar to the sound her bark collar would make.

After about 4 hours my hopes were rolling downhill since there was nothing visible in the yard.  Mom sent me a picture from her house and it had already started to gather around the edges of everything.  I went on the internet and proceeded to check every webcam available within a 2 hour drive to see which looked to be the most promising direction to head.

Mom-in-law's house seemed to be the most promising but it required us to drive "over a mountain".  Hubby assured me this would mean utter and certain death for us.  After that didn't sway me he reminded me who would feed the animals if we got stuck.  So back to mope I went.

FINALLY!

But of coarse...now I have to go to bed so I can get up extra early to fight through the treacherous conditions to get to work on time.  Also that way I can ask dear-darling-love-o-mine to start my car for me.  Then I heard hubby on the phone with someone.  I heard the trailings of "...ok sure.  See you about 9 then."

ME:  "So...when are you leaving for work?"

HUBBY: "I guess around 8:30ish or so.  Give the sun time to melt some of this off."

ME:  "Ah...that sounds good.  I'll just leave with you."  plot rolling around thickening as I plan to run from the warm inner sanctum of our living room out to my nice toasty car swept clean of snow.

HUBBY: "Hey, don't forget to turn your alarm off."

ME: "Hokey pokey!"  YAY!!!!  Sleeping in, getting my car started for me, I'll have an extra ten minutes at least to just...MAKE COFFEE!!!  I'll have time to make myself coffee, BEFORE work! then maybe I won't be so mean and cranky...

HUBBY: "You coming to bed?"

ME: "Yeah, in a little bit.  Just wanna read Mom's blog."

..........approximately 1.5 hours later I finished watching James and the Giant Peach.  Then took the dog out.  Then came back in and flipped through Netflix (AAAWWWWWHHHHHHH! or whatever that sound is when the light flashes on and the choir does that thing).  Then sometime after 1:30 am-ish I crawl in to bed.  Happy with the thought of the warm toastyness that awaited me after the sun rose.

"message...message..Message..MESSAGE.MESSAGEMESSAGEMESSAGEMESSAGE! AHHHHHHH! message."  Hubby has a really annoying message alert.  WTF!  I grab for my phone - 6:33 AM!!!  I reach again for something sharp and pokey.  Someone needs to be stabbed.  Hubby grunts and rolls out of bed.  Which apparently causes a Pavlovian type response in me to yell several obscenities then immediately roll over, pull the covers up and go right back to sleep.  Having recently been made aware this is why I no longer get my good morning kiss I bit my tongue and buried my hands under my pillow.  I have also been known to throw things.  That is why I'm no longer allowed to keep stuffed animals on the bed.  Especially ones with large, hard plastic eyes...not that it's creepy for a married, 33 year old woman to keep stuffed animals on the bed.  Ok that time I was home alone after my gall bladder surgery and I rolled over on the hug and talk Eeyore my friend got me and this Sam Elliot like voice says, "Thanks for the hug."  This causes me to yelp slightly because A. there should be no man in my house.  About 2 minutes later I hear, "I could sure use another one of those."  B. I might have been under the influence of the pain medication they sent me home on. So I screamed some.  To my surprise and later fear, no one called the cops.  Ah, but I digress.

Back to this morning.  So I roll over and see hubby had not come back to bed.  I got up and plodded my way to the living room.  Hmmm..no hubby.  I peek out the window.  GAH!!! No hubby!  His work van was gone!  So needless to say, all that careful plotting and planning went to waste.  And I was late for work.  Instead of making coffee this morning i cleaned up a nice little surprise that I'm pretty sure wasn't from Santa.  Oh well.  There's always tomorrow.

on a walk...

It looked so pretty outside today.  With the hard freeze last night I was sure it had to have killed off any mosquito or other nasty little blood sucking terrors the rain had woken.  After some  coaxing I convinced hubby to go for a walk.  We harnessed up our dog and headed outside.  He stared bewildered as I proceeded to get in to the car.

"I thought we were going for a walk, not a ride." he says.
"We are," I replied, "in the park!"

I'm sure there were some grumbles under his breath as he reluctantly got in to the car and rolled the window down.  Something about missing the end of the football game.  Fortunately for him I'm not up to very long walks.  We drive about 3 blocks and pull off at one of the many trails.  He proceeds to start walking with our little dog in tow.  She easily keeps pace with him as I fiddle with my camera.  He stops and looks back, sees what I am doing and hangs his head with a sigh.  I could see the thought bubble pop up above his head, "This is going to take forever..."  HA!  Little did he know of my ulterior motive of wanting to get some pictures of the last remains of fall before it turned into fell.

We trekked along in that comfortable silence of relationships that don't require words to fill every moment.  Hand in hand, on we went.  I looked at the various plaques and monuments to either side of the trail.  Morbidly I thought out load, "All those signs are pretty much markers that say 'A lot of people died here.'"  He chuckles.  Ok, so I don't care for too much silence.  Even the birds have taken the hint from last night's hard freeze that it's time to get-on-outta-here.  The soft crunching of the leaves beneath our feet was the only sounds of nature.  "Looks like we missed the leaves changing," I sighed.  "I didn't miss it at all." he grins.  Hubby may look like a mountain man but seems to lack the love of nature and all the wonders it holds.  Well aside from those he can shoot when the appropriate season opens.  It's kind of like being married to a sexy version of Elmer Fudd.

So we reach the end of the trail and start going back to car.  I notice now that our shadows have stretched out before us and start giggling to myself at how funny they look.  To help with the visual hubby is about 6' 6" tall and I'm 5' 4" at best.  Our dog is a mere 8 lbs and resembles an angry fuzzy slipper.  I start snapping more pictures.  Each time I stop he stops with me so he doesn't walk in to the line of fire.  He had already barked he didn't want his picture taken because he didn't have his hat on.  Of coarse I proceeded to take one as soon as he got a couple of steps ahead of me.  So finally he stops and asks, "What are you trying to do?"

"I'm taking pictures of our shadows."

After a moment of thought he holds his hand out to me and I take it.  He then starts holding it at funny angles and I'm thinking oh goody, a shadow puppet show.  "Here, hold your hand like this," he says.  At first it took me a couple of seconds to realize what he was doing.  Once it sunk in what he was trying to do I almost dropped the camera I was so shocked.  I couldn't believe he had thought of it.  I soooo take back the Elmer Fudd thought from earlier.

This picture I snapped just a few yards from the car.  It's funny sometimes how you don't notice a thing until something else opens your eyes.  Perhaps romance, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

random post of cuteness

So I'm posting for posting's sake.  I've been MIA lately.  Too much to go in to at the moment so I'll just share some of my pics :)  There is a constant struggle in our house for the perfect napping place.  I'm sure I'll never truly understand it but hey, it's made for some entertaining picture moments.  Enjoy!

on my head...

As the wisps of breath escape my mouth I can see them.  What happened to autumn?!?  Just last week it was in the 90's and now it feels like it's time to break out the thermals and hunting socks.  One good thing though, it's cool enough to start wearing hats.  And thanks to having such a small head I'm able to wear most anything...even kids sizes :)

Charlotte graciously poses

I was so torn between this one and the penguin.  My rationale was the penguin would go with more since it was black and white.  Then again, if I were truly worried about coordinating my outfits I wouldn't have been looking at this to start with.  So in the end purple won out.  I like hat.